20 Things That Have Shaped Who I Am (So Far) -- A Reflective List Essay

At the time of starting this, I am approximately two months and three weeks away from my twentieth birthday. Turning twenty has always been a huge milestone for me; as I am sure it is for many others. Being alive and well for this long has always seemed unachievable, and I’m proud of myself for coming this far despite the trials I would have gone through to get to this point. I will be two decades old. I will no longer be an insecure, anxious teenage girl who feels as if they have wasted their teenage years trying to figure everything out and being completely miserable. Instead, I will be all these things and an adult. On my way to work, I had the thought: “I will never be nineteen, again,” and the reality of turning twenty sunk in. I will be twenty years old. I will be ten years away from turning thirty years old. Scary shit, but also exciting. That thought prompted this essay. Here are twenty things that have shaped who I am (so far):

My first time not getting an ‘A’ in primary school was devastating. I’d always been one of the top students of my class, and one day I was not. #burntoutgiftedkid

Getting “Tigger” (my rainbow leopard plush) for my 3rd Christmas. I've slept with him every night since then; the only times I haven’t is when he’s in the wash or when I leave the country (I’m too afraid of misplacing him far, far away from home).

Not liking pineapple on pizza for the first time ever after LOVING it for years.

Going to my first party and getting blackout drunk. I hardly have memories of my own from that night, and I was hungover for two days.

Ignoring all responsibilities for a day and going to the beach with my mother. We took a bath in the sea fully clothed. One of the rare memories I have of us genuinely getting along. 

When my mother forgot to pick me up at school. 

Going to see “Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse”. #canonevent lmfaooo

Having rumors spread about me. 

My first (and last) WLW relationship.

Getting to meet my baby cousin for the first time. She is my only cousin on my mother’s side of the family, so this was especially exciting for me. She was born during the first Covid-19 lockdown.

My paternal grandmother’s passing. My very first time experiencing grief and guilt so strongly; and all at once.

Befriending a Luffy cosplayer while in a Sanji cosplay. (I love you, Felix).

My first crush on a straight girl.

My second crush on a straight girl (I didn’t learn from the first time).

The name “Percy” being bestowed onto me by an old friend, and what that name will mean to me in upcoming years.

Rolling down a hill in a barrel with my older cousins in Grenada.

Writing poetry.

Locking my hair, finally.

Having a week-long sleepover with my best friend, Naomi. 

The realisation that I do not have to fit into a label. There is a societal pressure to have it all figured out, but you do not have to. 

I am approximately two months and three weeks away from my twentieth birthday. Turning twenty isn't just a milestone, it is a moment to give credit to the journey so far and step forward with purpose and justification. As much as I wish I could, I cannot predict everything the future holds. I carry these moments with me as the blueprint for who I continue to become.