"why would you do if when you okay so he said yes would go" (a prompt by: jay jewel; based off a meme)

why   do i write?       [why does anyone,   honestly?]

 for what                       purpose                              do i [we] write?

     to be heard? as a hobby? 

self-expression?

 to be understood

            ?   

          i believe    i write for a multitude of reasons

                                         i feel    an obligation to write

                                                                           to share

                                                                           to exist

     i do not think that                  anything i say     truly  matters

               i am entitled    to my opinion;    as is everyone                      but,

                                                          my opinions      do 
                                                          my voice                      matter
                                                          my   words             not    

      would anyone even care to listen to what i have to say?      does anyone?

no matter     how much i write, i feel as if              

                                       everything i say goes unheard

                                                                          unanswered

                              maybe it is     owing to the topics i typically write about

                                                     owing to the fact that my muse     are my negative emotions

                                                                                                                 my anger             my rage

                                                                                                                 my sadness

                                                                                  and                         my frustration

i write            because i am angry  

                                                                       i am angry at        everyone

                                                                                         at everything, and

                                                                                                                                    at myself.

i fall into the category of                  "everyone & everything"   but sometimes, i do not feel it

               so therefore, i separate                                                               

                                                                                                                               myself 

       maybe i should change my approach

       maybe then             i will be heard and responded to

      maybe what i need                      is a muse that isn't so... deep (?) 

                   something simple,        something that can actually be seen

                                                                     and felt

                              like,  the kittens i pass on my morning walk

                                 or the curve of my boyfriend's smile and his dimples      that i grew attracted to

     something sweet                                   or, something romantic

  will that resonate better with             an audience

        am i writing for an audience?          

                                             i am writing for an audience, and yet       no one reads

      why don't  

you read      the pieces i write?                                                     i think about asking my friends   that 

question quite often,  but i do not

because      i am  afraid of the answer

   what if they    do not understand?    what if they do not          like it? or,

               they are uninterested?                       what if?     

                               then, that would mean they do not                  understand me... or,

                                                                                                        like me...

 if everything    that i write is a reflection of who i am, then why would they not    like it

 if they are my friends...

my biggest fear had always been     being misunderstood by those i consider dear to my heart

i want them  to understand me                            i need them to

    because if they do not  understand me                 then why would anyone else?

  i also     don't want them to feel as if they have to read what i write

                      i want them to read, and i want them to understand,                      but only if they want to

                   

if i do       not know why i write, and

                 think that anything i say    really matters, then

                       why do i do it?     why do i continue to write even when i do not think    anyone will read?                         maybe i am being hopeful (?)      

                                                               hopeful that someone     will read my work

                                                                            that someone will understand, and be    able to relate

if i cannot be understood,    i at least hope to make someone else feel    like they are

               i write because      i enjoy doing so

      it can be hard sometimes, frustrating,   but i enjoy writing something satisfactory

  i    write to be able to heal       from the topics i do not speak about out loud, and i write    simply because i believe that i am good at it. 

                   maybe that's subjective (?) objective (?)   [i does mix up these two words BAD]

    subjective         
adjective
1. based on     or influenced by    personal feelings, tastes, or opinions.

objective
adjective
1. (of a person or their judgement)       not influenced by personal feelings or opinions     in considering and representing facts.

i believe i am good at writing,      and that is an subjective statement.
                   i personally believe that i am     good at writing.

             that is my opinion, and not a fact that isn't influenced by personal feelings or opinions.

    therefore, subjective.

 

 when i write,  sometimes,   i view it as a confession     of all of the bad i've done
    i try   to be a good person, but the harder i try to be  
                                                                                             the less i am
  i will write    my confessions   on a piece of paper, and i will burn it
        i will burn it to forget, as i do          with most things

                               i  don't know what i accomplish            by burning them

    maybe, i hope they will return      to their original form; ashes      

  they will return to ashes,       and they will become a part of something

                                                                                                        they will dissolve in the water  that i use to wash them down the sink  and they will become a part of something

                    maybe the ocean     maybe the earth

     or nothing at all

                                                                                    i hope they become nothing    to me

                                                                                                                                     to the earth

  that can be for the best; that will be for the best.

[do i make sense when i write?    i don't know if i do]

[ another reason    why no one reads, probably    lol]

 

  "you    need to exist"

  need.        i need.

       i must.

    i am obligated to.

                                                     i get to      exist.

    i always feel as if  i take up too much space, i do not know

                                           if i am allowed   to take up so much space in the lives of others

  another reason why       i write

but then     my books pile up

                one-by-one; they pile up

                                                                        my writing takes up   unnecessary[            ]space

  i was told that     i need     to exist,   and that i    need to take up space 

 but i am not    sure how

                           my ex-partner   handed their journal off to me, and told me to take up space

                        but       i was unsure of how i should do so

       and i did not know if   i should

                                                                    i was allowed to, but    that does not mean that i should

    i don't think    there has ever been a space for me there              and especially right now, there is no space for me                                            i took up  all the space that i possibly could

it is someone else's turn [i don't think i    ever had a turn]

i     was allowed to exist there,  but i don't feel as if           any space was mine

  i never stood a chance there,    i do not know why i thought i    did

i write      to confess little things like this                because i cannot say it out loud.

      [they have access to my blog, it is public after all.        maybe,  they will pay it no mind

and if they do,             i hope they understand]

okay, i have    strayed far from the original topic

[ i       did not know  how else to use the word okay]

        

                i mean,        sebastian always tells me that i will be okay

    he tells me that          he knows that i will be        okay

                                                               maybe, he's right (?)    i hope he's right

  he's been right about many things before

           i wonder, though,     is that all i want to be  "okay"       shouldn't i strive for happy, or is that too unrealistic     for me

                                           can i ever be  happy, and   what does it mean to be happy

is happiness subjective or objective?   can it be either?   i don't think you can describe happiness as subjective      or objective (?)   due to it being an emotion (?)

" Happiness is generally considered    subjective,     meaning it's a personal  and individual experience. While external factors can influence well-being,                   the perception and experience of happiness are   unique   to each person. " -- from google, lol

happiness is subjective !        that makes sense !  

                                         maybe, one day,   i can be happy and not just okay

                and, i'll prove luke wrong              :)

i am not sure how to continue this now,    journaling but also following a guideline

         following a guideline   or a format is always the most difficult thing to do  while journaling

  i normally           ramble and scribble all my thoughts on to a page, and    if it looks untidy

                       i may hate it but i consider that to be the beauty    of it all.

so, what      now?  i covered the reasons why i write, and i delved    into other topics

     what      now?          i wonder if anyone will actually read this

 i try to tell myself     that i do not write for an audience,  but i am always focused on  whether or not someone will read this and enjoy it                                i wonder if    jay and naomi   will read this.  i had  asked them both for help with prompts to write about, so..

           i will send this to them       and i'll wait to see

  naomi is busy studying though, and jay      is probably playing roblox #unemployed 😡😡

jay is great, i love jay          we've been friends for years,

      jay is quite good at art,      and by art 

                                                      i mean, the art of: "yapping, joy and whimsy"

   but also, literal art ! 

                  they draw quite well, and   i always look forward to seeing new pieces from them

  they're one of my favourite people           from the moment they start rambling about gacha videos to me after school while we awaited   our parents arrival,   i knew we would always be good friends

      you don't find genuine, sweet people like them often

                                                  and so have naomi and i (we've been friends for years) ! 

                            i don;t rememeber the details behind

                                                    how naomi and i became friends; we simply did

    she latched on to me like a parasite, or maybe it was vice versa [it was   definitely vice versa]

she is my best friend

    i don't know why she made that decision, she's so much better

   and deserves a lot better           but beggars    cannot be choosers, so i

shall not complain

                we're all friends from school ! my darling, lifelong friends !

speaking of, i'll definitely send this to tobey !

                                he will definitely tune in,      he always does 

     tobey, genuinely,   may be my biggest support when it comes to writing

 i mentioned earlier     my friends                                and about being afraid that they would not understand my work, or even read my pieces,    but never do i mean tobey

          NEVER do i mean, tobey

no matter      how busy he gets, he takes the time to   read my pieces

thoroughly

and he    always responds

       i don't think there are    many people, currently, who gets me     in the same way that he does

tobey is    my dearest friend, truly           truly, he is           [i'm going to stop there, though       i do not need him with an inflated ego] [tobey doesn't have an ego,      he is humble and kind]

       tobey's always said that i    am a good writer, and           he always encourages me to write more  and to 

         share my work more -- even when i don't want to, or i don't think they're super great

    maybe, tobey's why i write

    maybe,           he is my muse but i  haven't fully acknowledged that fact yet

 

 honestly,   he is quite fun to write about

    it's easy for me    to express my gratitude toward tobey   because it's loud and evident, i  can almost visualise it 

"yes" "would" and "go"   my three last words

god, and     jay (who doesn't know              that i have decided to use their prompt in such a manner, so how can i blame them??), alone knows

all those three words    make me think of is the sentence "yes, i would like to go..."

honestly, i would love to go to bed right now        it is 10:44p.m.      and i have work in the morning

maybe [i've used maybe a lot in this]   i should go to be now      i will send this link to

jay, naomi      and tobey                                    and i will go settle myself in bed

...maybe i'll eat first, there's spicy tuna in the cupboard

and i live with      two greedy people and nana

          so i should  eat  the spicy tuna while i still can, actually