closure (?)

i tried to give myself closure before my twentieth birthday in a google document.

i outlined all my experiences of the past year, roughly beginning around 01.08.2024, in chronological order and i placed them into a table of contents on the document. i made an attempt at writing about it all in detail. there are nine more days until i turn twenty, and i have not completed it. i probably never will. i wrote fourteen pages covering three out of the eight topics listed, and maybe that has to be good enough.

the end goal was to print it out when i completed it and burn the pages, and then i would delete the document from my system. closure. 

or, so i thought.

i do not know how to get closure. i have never known. i know what it means, or at least the textbook definition of it: "the end or closing down of something" "coming to terms with the end of a significant emotional bond" "an understanding" "acceptance" etc etc etc. this is closure. i've always thought that since i knew what it was by definition, it would be easy to get it. 

i was wrong. i was very wrong.

working out how is easy, there are many ways how to: "set healthy boundaries" "avoid triggers" "seek professional help" "talk to someone" "allow yourself to grieve" "allow yourself to be angry" "journal" "allow yourself to feel" etc etc etc. these are all the ways how to get closure. no one method may work the same for everyone. we all have our own experiences and ways of dealing with them. 

i've tried everything for months to get closure. months. nearly a whole year, even. 

searching. yearning. probing.

i've spoken to multiple someones; close friends, not-so close friends, family — my mother. many did not understand. many did not even try to understand. i cannot blame them, my experiences and lack of closure has never been their burden to bear. i wish they would have put themselves in my shoes, though. i often have people make comments like: "it's not that deep" "you should get [...]'s name tattooed on you since you always talking 'bout them" "it was never that serious" "you talk about [...] too much" "it is never that deep" "i wonder how long you can go without talking about [...]" "why does it matter to you so much if what they're saying about you isn't true?" and such and such. no matter how much i spoke, i was rarely ever actually listened to. again, it was never anyone else's burden to bear. 

i wish someone would listen though, and i wished they would understand.

i wondered if i had been overreacting all of the time. maybe everything that was happening really and truly wasn't that deep. maybe i was doing too much, and i simply needed to let go -- but would letting go bring me closure if i still hadn't accepted it. 

someone, a friend, described closure as "wanting a better ending" which i do not agree with, but is a new perspective i hadn't ever gotten before. is closure wanting a better ending? she explained, "closure isn't acceptance, it's really more like trying to find a better way to cope with it." but doesn't wanting a better ending just mean you're still holding on to it? can i hold on to something and also accept it for what it is? do i have to accept it at all? though i do not share the same perspective, i don't believe she is wrong -- must one not hold onto something in order to be able to let it go?

i've tried setting healthy boundaries and avoiding the triggers. that didn't work, either. the healthy boundaries were constantly being crossed, i wasn't demanding enough about my boundaries. i should have been more demanding, i know that. i was afraid of being controlling, or a bitch, or seen as doing too much. whenever i set a boundary, it was always met with backlash. i let my friends cross my boundaries for their comfort. i let them. i never spoke up for myself, and i never demanded that they respected me or my boundaries. how can i be mad at them? 

how can i be mad at them for crossing my fragile boundaries?

the triggers were always nearby; friends of my friends. a lot of the time, too many times to count, the triggers were my friends -- people who were / are (?) close to me. i was always placed into uncomfortable situations. constantly, almost. i tried to avoid them, but i never could a lot of the time. who am i to tell someone they can or cannot attend a public event in a public space? and, why would i not attend a public event in a public space because of someone else? also, since a lot of the triggers came directly from my friends, it became much harder to avoid. 

i was always placed in a position of making decisions for other people, as well. like, being asked to make a decision whether or not "the trigger" could stay over at someone else's home because that someone else did not want to make the decision themself to "keep the peace". looking back on it now, it's funny that "keeping the peace" meant my friends throwing me under the bus and using my name constantly as an excuse as to why this one person wasn't "allowed" within the friend group knowing that they were not fond of this person either; knowing that they also did not want this person around. 

they were able to keep their peace by ruining mine. their confliction within themselves, lack of a backbone, inability to take any accountability and my lack of demanding respect became the reason why i was placed into these uncomfortable situations over and over again. there is no one person to blame, and i am not taking the blame away from myself. however, my feelings were always valid and i was made to feel and believe that i was wrong for feeling the way i did most of the time. 

i wrote in my journal, i'm writing right now, and i allowed myself to feel everything. this hasn't worked out for me yet. i am still not heard. i'm probably heard less when i write. i tried to allow myself to feel everything, but i felt as if i couldn't. it actually felt as if i wasn't allowed to. when i tried to let myself feel angry, i remember how much i've been told that the situation i was in and my feelings were not that deep and that i needed to get over it. when i tried to let myself feel hurt and / or sad, i would remember how i was told to make peace and that the hurt i felt wasn't actually that serious. 

i tried to follow everyone's advice and way of doing things, but i couldn't. it wasn't right for me. everything i felt, and everything i did, was always downplayed as less. less than. not that deep. not that serious. not as bad as what others are going through. childish compared to someone else's. less. 

i feel like i'm losing the flow of what i am writing about, lol.

closure !

one of my dearest friends said, "it [closure] means to punch a fucker in their face—" she is violent in nature, but understanding. 9/10 times she always gets it; whatever i am feeling. i wonder if she could be right, though? i've done my research on closure many times; the many definitions and interpretations of closure and the steps it takes to get there. i've never seen violence as one of the answers. google will tell you all the personal ways to care for yourself and move past the situation in a peaceful and just manner, but it will never tell you to hold it in anger and tear it apart. maybe that will defeat the purpose of "peace". 

but, what if it helps? has anyone says that it doesn't? 

i am not violent in nature, i've tried to be, so this step may not work for me.

i tried to give myself closure before my twentieth birthday in a google document under the same title as this entry; "closure." 

i relived three out of eight experiences in detail covering fourteen pages, but i do not know what that has helped me to accomplish. i do not know if completing that document would give me the closure i seek. i really thought it would, at first. i don't remember my motivation behind it, and it's definitely gone now.

i don't feel things as deeply anymore. 

one friend said, "that's healing, it'll be alright"

and the other said, "that could also just be crazy emotional burnout eh"

i don't know who i agree with. am i healing, or am i incredibly burnt out? 

and, how will i be able to tell the difference?