02.07.2025 my wasted potential

 i stare at my skateboard collecting dust in a corner of my 

apartment and i think about all that i have 

     wasted;

       my time

       my father’s hard earned money

       my potential

i begged my father to buy me this skateboard 

                                      a couple of years ago. 

                      i haven’t used it much since then

 i have been too scared

of being seen 

      trying and failing 

                                  and trying and failing, again and

  again and again and…

too paranoid

too embarrassed

                of falling and

                      hurting myself

last month,       i fell off my skateboard and scraped my elbow. i scraped my knee, too. this was a big
                 accomplishment for me because
i have always wanted to  wholeheartedly earn my scars by skateboarding; and now        i have finally done so. i have always been             too scared

too paranoid

too embarrassed

of falling off my skateboard           and hurting myself;  so i never skate.           i wouldn’t have fallen off my board if my boyfriend hadn’t pushed me [i am not placing the blame on him, i’m afraid of it sounding as if i am] to learn a trick
                        a trick    i do not know the name of
i kept giving up              constantly, over and over and over.    in the end, i ended up falling off my board  and        lightly injuring myself. i got  back up. i was able to land the trick a couple time after, not perfectly               but i landed it nevertheless. 
                i tend to give up easily; very easily
        and a lot
                                      A LOT

because i’m always too scared

too paranoid too embarrassed.

i would have never known i could have landed the trick             if i had stopped and  gone      inside as i always do.
i stare at my skateboard as it’s perked up in a corner       collecting dust and  growing weary. i take it up to skate,           but i do not go outside. i can’t fight the fear on my own.. the paranoia.. the embarrassment..                 instead, i think about all that i have wasted    and i sit

 alone.